Sunday, 18 December 2011

Goodbye to 2011

I love a good list. I have lists coming out of my ears. I have about a 20 lists in the memo pad on my phone: what clothes I want to buy, what music I need to download, which films I want to rent, present ideas for people... And my job pretty much revolves around making lists too. So it’s good that I just ruddy love them!

New Years to me is just another excuse to make a list.
I rarely stick to my New Years resolutions - they’re generally the same most years and I usually end the year in the same way I started it - drunk. But because you More readers are just so bombastic, I’m going to honour you and let you read my New Years resolutions (I know, I’m so good to you). I have addressed to them to myself from myself as I thought that maybe if I berate myself then I’ll finally learn. Maybe. Or something.

1)   Find Harry Styles and attempt to make him your boyfriend. Before Caroline Flack came along it would have been considered really really weird if you, a 24 year old, went out with a 17 year old. Now 32 year old Caroline has made it…well, not acceptable but maybe just a little bit weird now. So thanks for that, Flacky!
2)   Don’t dye your hair. You must remember that you will not be happier/thinner/better at everything if only you had ginger/red/black/blonde hair (depends on how I'm feeling at the exact minute). Your bizaare Obsessive Compulsive Hair Disorder means you have spent in excess of £1500 on your hair in 2011, only to end the year with my hair exactly how it was when the year began – a mid- brown. In conclusion, you’re an idiot.
3)   If the Harry Styles thing doesn’t work out (but hey, try to be positive), try to find a sensible man who will like your friends and be nice to you. As long as this man does not have a penchant for any of the following he should be OK: skinny blondes, emotional abuse, drugs, a foot fetish, ridiculous hair or killing people. In fact, even a murderer would probably be better than some of your ex’s. Aim higher.
4)   Start saving some money. You left University over 18 months ago, you have a proper job and a flat
      to pay for now so it’s not acceptable to still be living at the bottom of two massive overdrafts
      and choosing a new fur coat and vodka over food and hot water. (Of course, if it turns out  
      that 2012 is the year the world ends then there's not much point in saving. So maybe don't cut up
      your Topshop card just yet...)
5)   Don’t eat the television. Well, you need to have one resolution that you can keep.

A wise man once said, “Don’t ever tell your resolutions before hand or it’s twice as onerous a duty.” So now I’ve told you all, I have to stick to them. This is good for me, I feel like it’s going to work.

Or I’ll just see you all next year when I’m trying to eat the TV.

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