Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Golden Globes: A Progress Report

First things first. I'm sorry for my absence from the blogging world. You see, Christmas happened, then New Year happened and then January happened and then going back to work happened and then comfort eating happened and then lack of sleep happened and then my expanding waistline happened and then general uncertainity about life happen and then... oh, oh...I appear to be suffering from depression again. Ah January. Anyone for a Venlafaxine?

Yesterday, as I sat with my head in my ever-so-dry-from-the-awful-weather-and-unmanicured-due-to-no-money hands, I was beginning to think there was no hope at all. Would February ever arrive?
Then I saw it... the tweets about the nominees of the Golden Globes... oh my god, IT'S AWARD SEASON!!!! I had been so preoccupied with my own misery and the incredibly-difficult-to-get-through Black Monday that I had forgotten it was my favourite festive season! Forget Christmas or chocolatey Easter, Award Season gives me the joys like no other time of year! *Avid Merrion face*

So lets kick off this wonderous time of year, where the most famous and glamourous people in the world are all in the same room (my God, I can hardly contain myself!), with a little review of the most important part of the Golden Globes.... the dresses.

This is no ordrinary review though. Oh no. This a serious PROGRESS REPORT. Why shall I tell you that Charlize Theron looked "divine in Dior" in my very best fashion magazine speak when I can tell you that she looked great last year but really shit this year? (That's not the case though, Charlize looked sick). When your teachers gave you a report at school, they commented on your progress from the term before, no? Well A listers, sit down, SCHOOL IS IN SESSION.


Peacock green Vera Wang in 2011 - C
Black one-shouldered Dior in 2012 - C

I'm a big fan of Mila. She's cute yet still sexy and has eyes so big she looks a little bit like an animal that needs taking care of. But as you can see, girlfriend has fallen into a trap. It's not that both last year and this year she's selected a one-shouldered gown (although that's not exactly a great thing), it's that neither of them are that WOW. She's probably saving all her shit for the Oscars like she did last year (that lilac lace Elie Saab dress was to die for) but either way, she's one of the fittest motherf**kers out there at the moment so she should be in something showstopping. I don't hate either of these dresses, I'm just indifferent. These dresses are a bit like how when the X Factor is on it dominates my life and the second it finishes I forgot who even won. I like them when I look at them but I've already forgotten what they look like. (Not a great analogy, no).


Peacock green sequinned Versace in 2011 - A
Cream Versace gown with red accent in 2012 - A+

The baddest bitch in all the land, I bloody LOVE Angelina Jolie. She is the Queen of the Red Carpet and here's why: she isn't a relentlessly papped celebrity. We don't see pictures of her all day, every day, buying this, doing this, in this car... Now and then see some of her and Brad struggling to get their seven thousand kis through the airport and when we do....well, Ange doesn't look all that great (forgive me, for I have sinned). She wears really basic, simple clothes on her down days which makes her gracing the red carpet in these sort of gowns all the more spectacular. And, unlike her gothic days where she favoured black and vials of blood round her neck, she's totally unpredictable. Last year it was green sequins and this year it's cream with red accents. In anyone else I may criticise the same designer choice two years running - both gowns are Verasce - but that's OK! And do you know why that's OK? Because she's the Queen of the Red Carpet. Simples.


Peach Calvin Klein dress in 2011 - B
Berry Lanvin dress in 2012 - C-

Hark, a chameleon! Last year, rising star Emma Stone had to bleach her hair for her role in Spiderman and although I didn't like her blonde hair, I bloody loved the dress she chose.The peach Calvin Klein gown worked perfectly with the hair and the tan and the whole look, whilst totally Californian babe, was understated and simple but very sophisticated. However, this year, whilst she's back to her redheaded glory, she's missed the mark in her Lanvin dress. Although because it is Lanvin I feel like I should never say anything insulting about it, that bizaare clumpy waist belt dresses down that otherwise fabulous dress. I'm all for her embracing the pale skin too but the colour is washing her out. The hair should've been down and the make up less gothic. She's still finding her fashion feet though so I'll let this one slide.


Daisy-embellished Valentino in 2011- D-
Navy Jason Wu in 2012 - D

I don't care what actors say, they know when they're going to win at these things. They've heard the Oscar buzz and they've checked out the competition so even when they wail through their perfectly practised tears "this is so unexpected!", I truly believe that 99% of the people who have ever won Best Actor or Actress is sure they've got in the bag when they walk onto the red carpet that night. Which leaves me wondering why Michelle Williams - who won Best Actress for her portrayal of Marilyn Monroe in 'My Week with Marilyn' at this years Globes - thought that this bland Jason Wu dress was a good idea. That's not a showstopper! That's not a winner's dress! And the headband? Christ, it's like she thought, "Hmmm, I'm not sure if last years so-sweet-it's-sickening daisy bespeckled Valentino dress hammered home to everyone just how angelic I really am. So this year I'll opt for the entirely dull navy Jason Wu dress and ruin it further with an alice band, because even though I'm the winner, I'll humbly let everyone else steal the spotlight. Because I'm just so NICE." We get it Michelle, you're adorable. But fashion isn't about being nice and this is your time to shine! Come back next year in something surprising and all will be forgiven.*

So that's it for the Globes. Take care kids, see you in a few weeks at the Bafta's!

*For the record, I really like Michelle Williams and because she is so adorable that physically hurt to be so horrible about her. I may as well have just shot a bunny, I know.


  1. So true about Michelle Williams!! She cleary knows how to do sexy, look at her GQ shoot- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2087860/Michelle-Williams-slips-sexy-lingerie-Marilyn-Monroe-inspired-GQ-shoot.html

  2. Well to be honest christmas happened this year to my bum and my head.. So hard to keep up with the festivities and bloging right? I LOL'ed out loud (in the office, hope thye dont lock the internett connection) when i read your comment about Michelle Williams, HEAR HEAr!

    love K

    1. Hahaha I'm really pleased it made you LOL at work! I really like Michelle Williams so I do feel bad about not liking her dress choices! Hopefully she'll sort it out for the Oscars! x