Monday, 19 September 2011

Gentlemen: read this and get more sex.

A wise woman once said, "I don't wanna be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. It's like they just fell out of bed, put on some baggy pants, take their greasy hair and cover it with a backwards cap and we're expected to swoon? I don't think so!" This wise woman was Cher from the 90s film Clueless. Granted she ended up falling for a gay guy in the film but whatever, when it comes to grooming, girlfriend knew her stuff.

A couple of weeks ago I took no less than 2 and a half hours to get ready for a night out. This may seem rather excessive but I love it and my efforts were rewarded with a couple of compliments which made me feel pretty good. Anyway, on said night out I took a look around me and was rather disappointed to see that the majority of men in the club I was in had not made as much effort. Correction: any effort. Most of them looked like they hadn't even glanced in the mirror before they'd left the house. Now I'm not saying that a man should be spending hours on grooming prior to a night out but a little effort wouldn't go amiss fellas.

I must state, for the record, that I am really not entirely shallow and solely driven looks when it comes to men (one of my ex's bares an uncanny resemblance to Jay from the Inbetweeners. So I'm not lying) and I pretty sure it's similar for a lot of women. Scientifically, it has been proven we're not as concerned by aesthetics as men. But that doesn't mean that we're blind. I do not expect men to look or dress a certain way but there's no denying male grooming is far more important these days than it ever has been. If Gerard Butler has deemed it acceptable to advertise a moisturiser then you're not less of a man for using one.

Now there's certainly a healthy balance to be achieved here. Somewhere between the Geordie Shore boys (far too much time spent in the mirror) and Pete Doherty (far too much time spent doing drugs to look in the mirror) would be good. Witht his in mind, there are a few highly underrated tips I feel the need to pass on to the men of the world. Think of Bradley Cooper in Limitless. At the beginning, with that straggly hair and dirty thank you. Then, all of a sudden, with the fresh hair cut and the Tom Ford suit...yes please!
The thing is gentlemen, you don't realise how lucky you are. You can look cute first thing in the morning without mascara. You look sexy as you go grey. And you really don't need to have Paul Walker's body to still look masculine and rugged. But at the very least, respect the effort us women put in to looking good by doing the same for us before a night out. Read on for more blow jobs...

1) Be clean/smell good
It sounds ridiculous but this is unbelievably underrated. Be freshly showered. Wear a decent deodorant. Buy a nice cologne and actually wear it. (Don't overdo it though - nothing says "I'm a sleazy estate agent" like leaving a hurricane of Hugo Boss behind you.) Don't bite your fingernails, cut them and make sure they're clean. If you smoke, brush your teeth often, carry gum with you, floss, visit the dentist often. Smoking is not a deal breaker for me (I'm still under the spell that it can look cool. I know, so 90s of me) but smelling of stale smoke is (and I don't even have high standards).

2) Clothes
Very few women expect men to be a slave to fashion (unless Gok Wan's her type) so I'm pretty sure she won't care if it's not up-to-date fashionable. Men look fit in even the plainest of clothes - a few plain black and white decent quality t-shirts, a decent jacket/coat and some smart jeans and you're good to go. Don't wear the same clothes week in, week out. If you must then make sure you wash and iron them (this includes jeans. Yes, they do need washing). Clean clothes goes hand in hand with smelling good. Avoid Topman slogan tee's unless your name is Mr D Bag. Oh and when you pull that shirt you wore last week off the floor, stare at the drinks stain on it and think "Ahh, no one will notice that." You're wrong. They will. And the blow job will be given to someone else. Simples.

3) Get a haircut
It's not too much effort and it's not too much money. You can go into any barbers, spend £15 and walk out looking like a new man. Learn how to style it. Remember, BRADLEY COOPER.

4) Facial hair
Now this is somewhat of a grey area. I love facial hair but only on the right men. If you're facial hair is really fair, ginger, sparse or wiry then give it a miss entirely and be clean shaven (this doesn't make you less of man, it's just genetic luck. Like how I have small tits and some women don't. Just go with it. I wear a push up bra, you should shave your hobo facial fuzz.) If you're dark haired and have thick facial hair then stubble is great but please oh please, maintain it. Trim it (it should really only ever be a couple of milimentres in length), tidy it up round the edges (a hairy neck and cheeks makes you more wolf than Wolverine) and whack some moisturiser on your face so your hair doesn't cut up our chin when we kiss you. Great example of sexy face fuzz - Gary Barlow. Take note.
PS. Monobrows are never acceptable.

5) Shoes
Ideally have a few pairs of trainers. They are fine for during the day but wearing smarter shoes at night is a good idea. Wear clean socks and febreeze the shit out of your trainers. Stinky feet are always horrendous, on every single man, no matter how beautiful his face or how big his penis. There are no negotiations on this.

6) Underwear
It must ALWAYS be clean.
OK, so the title of this blog may contain a bold claim but if you follow these rules I guarantee, at the very least, a female will comment on how good you look/nice you smell and that's always good for the ego. But if you do follow my advice and do get laid this weekend that you must let me know. Because that basically means I'm God.

Need inspiration clothes-wise? Men who get it right:

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